We can be with someone but not present. My wife has said on occasions, “You are here, but your mind is miles away.”
In all relationships. Be present, when you are present.
Month: October 2021
Communication Styles
My best conversations with my sons have been when we are shoulder to shoulder. We are driving in a car, playing a sport, watching a game or working on a project. They talk more when we are already doing something.
It is different with my daughters. Our best conversations are face to face when we are at breakfast or sitting together with a cup of coffee.
Your dad probably wants you to do something with him shoulder to shoulder and your mom wants a direct conversation.
If you want to communicate better, consider adjusting your style. Regardless, keep having conversations.
Discover Stories
A friend of mine has never told his kids about their great grandparents who started churches throughout a small country. These would be amazing stories!
We all have stories that are unknown or untold. Some of these are inspiring while others are just sad. But they are our stories.
Find them, search for them and craft them to leave a lasting impression for the next generation. We get to edit them.
The sacrifices that brought success will be explained and the sad experiences will teach about hardship and pain.
You will be passing on a great legacy … which is part of your legacy.
Lessons from a Diner
I am having breakfast at a diner.
The first thing I notice is that everybody knows not only the name of the waitress but also each other. Many conversations take place across tables.
We all want to be known. Even those who are quiet like to be given the value of being noticed. I have also been welcomed …hey honey…is that all honey.
Today, my goal is to say the name of everyone I see. No more … hey man … or how it is going … or is that all honey … I am going to say their name.
Hard Decisions
When we discovered that my mom had Dementia / Alzheimer’s, I knew that she should no longer be allowed to drive. It is a safety factor. It will also be an inconvenience factor for me. My mom’s car was an older car and I immediately disconnected some wires under the hood. The next day she called me and said her car would not start. I went over and said I would take it to a mechanic and then removed the car from the parking lot. She didn’t ask how I moved it.
A week later I went over to her place and told the bad news that her car would cost too much to repair. The hard part of this decision was not ”killing mom’s car”, but the cost for me to become an occasional taxi or dispatcher of local transportation.
Parenting your parents requires hard decisions.
A Lie – “You don’t have anything helpful to say.”
Have you ever heard the lie, “You don’t have anything helpful to say.” Or the lie that says, “You are an impostor, you have made too many mistakes so why would anyone listen to you.
I hear these things all the time. They are lies. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also have learned valued lessons. And it seems like the best stories I have to share are the ones where I have either made a big mistake or everything has gone wrong.
Like last night. I was driving to speak to a small group of guys and I ran over a pallet on the highway, my oil light comes on and when I stop for gas and check the tires the starter barely cranks the engine. I arrive and all I’m thinking is how I forgot to complete two tasks and I did not notify someone of a new procedure. The lie, “Why are you even here, they don’t want to hear what you have to say, you are a mess.”
I spoke to the group and then I told a family story at the end of the meeting. I told how I had personally matured by carrying for my older parent. The story spoke. It meant something to the group.
Despite the day, and the lies I heard in my head, I had something to say. And so do you.
“You Must Be Present To Win”
‘You must be present to win’ is a statement seen at the bottom of many raffle tickets. Most of these are simply a donation to a neighborhood kid who is raising money for his or her school; we don’t even think about actually being present at the drawing. But if the prize is valuable, a new car for example, we will do all we can to be present.
I went to Morris Brandon Elementary School in Atlanta, Georgia. When I was in the second grade I tripped and hit my head on a rock at recess. I was taken to the front office with a temporary bandage until one of my parents could take me to the doctor for a few stiches. And there I sat quietly, waiting for what seemed like eternity. And then I heard footsteps. Next, I saw the black polished shoes, the dark grey charcoal suit…buttoned. A handkerchief decorated the pocket and a grey felt Fedora hat was in hand. All bankers in Atlanta dressed this way. My Father opened the door to the office and took hold of me, and for the first time that day I cried. One of the secretaries said, “Why is he crying now after all that?”
I was crying because I was in the presence of my father, and at that moment I valued his presence more than anything else. Mom’s and daughters, Dad’s and sons….relationships always need cultivating, regardless of your age. “You must be present to win.”
Do Something Today
There is never a day off from being a storyteller. Over time it becomes a part of who we are to encourage and influence the next generation. Speak up today. In the last 24 hours my wife and I have spoken into, friends, peers, grandkids, children and complete strangers. Tell your story and influence the generations.
This is short because I needed to write something today. What do you need to do today?
Great Conversation
Last night a friend of mine had a birthday dinner with a few of his friends. On a crowded veranda we told generational stories for 3 hours.
These are the stories: Stories of personal value that are shared with one another, Stories of encouragement from generational experiences regarding life and priorities, And questions that seek wisdom from friends who will speak into their lives.
Regardless of our stage in life, we either have questions to ask or life experiences to share. Let’s talk.
Full Circle
I have learned a few things about parenting over the last 38 years.
I use a warmed and soft cloth to bathe skin. This prevents a chill. I touch a spoonful of applesauce against closed lips that refuse to eat. They open for a few bites once the sweet taste relaxes clenched jaws. I smile and speak calmly when a temper tantrum erupts. A soft voice helps lessen the anger. I say sip and swallow when I give medicine. Dissolved pills on a tongue are unpleasant. I pull the covers up at night and look into a sleepy and confused face. I bend down and kiss a forehead as I say, “Goodnight Mom, I’ll see you in the morning.”
As I left the hospital that drizzly night, I was still learning how to parent. I was learning to parent my mom. However, though even though I was learning to parent in a new way, what was really changing was my character. I was the one who was changing, I was becoming a better son.
Keith Albert 