It is never too late to renew a relationship with your parents.
You will have to take the initiative. Tell a fond memory, ask for forgiveness, tell them you forgive them, but most of all make the effort to connect.
Telling a story will carry the truth, especially the hard truth, that you want to say.
Holding a clinched fist, and the tension it brings, will begin to be released when you make the effort to connect.
Free yourself and tell a new story.
Leaving a legacy for the next generation.
On most days I wear dark jeans and a button down shirt that is untucked. That’s my style. I’m not trying to dress young, but I am trying hard to not dress old.
At my desk at home, a converted closet, I have one picture with my mom and one picture with my dad.
In both of the pictures I am wearing a tie. I’ve never noticed that until today. The one with my dad was taken when I was 8 at a photo booth in an airport. Four small pictures on top of each other.
The photo with my mom was taken 20 years ago, outside by purple bougainvilleas.
You will probably have to get married or die for me to wear a tie, though anniversary dinners are included.
And each time I wear a tie I am reminded that I like it, not because it is right or wrong but it is part of our story.
“Honey, put on your redress, we’re going out tonight!”
Leaving your legacy for the next generation.
How do you help others know the healthy changes that your parents have made over the years?
I was visiting some relatives and asked them what they remembered about my mom. They remembered that she smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. I informed them that my mom had given up smoking 35 years ago and that her lungs were clear.
Here’s the point. Unless I told a new story, they would still think she was an active smoker. I had to take the initiative in telling a new story about my mom. Her legacy included making changes in her life for the good.
Helping our parents leave their legacy one story at a time.
Azaleas and dogwoods graced the landscape of my childhood homes. In the spring time the colors were breathtaking.
One of my regular chores as a teenager was weeding the flower beds. I learned how to get the roots out and always felt pride when the job was done.
When I became a homeowner I tried to keep up the tradition. And …like my mom … I have made our kids take their turn with the lawnmower and edger.
When one of my sons moved into his first home, one of the first things he bought was a lawnmower. “Dad, I just love the smell of fresh cut grass.”
Leaving a legacy for the next generation … one blade of grass at a time.
When I eat roasted pecans, lightly coated in butter and salt, I think of my mom.
During the holidays she would make them for me. I make them now and I think of mom.
My kids and grandkids think the pecans are the best thing they have ever eaten. And then I tell them how mom made them.
Leaving a legacy … one pecan at a time.
More people are posting pictures of family and friends at Thanksgiving than their food. Why?
… Because our friends and family matter more than the same food everybody else is eating (in the USA) for the day.
The best part of the day for me is the conversations that happen after the meal. Words matter, especially over pecan and buttermilk pie.
Family stories leaving a legacy.
Golf is part of my dad’s legacy. He worked for a large bank and received a golf club membership as one of the perks. It is a famous club that hosted a US Open.
On Saturday morning he would play with a group of bankers. When he came home he would teach me how to play golf in our yard. That is when I began to love the game and learn valuable life lessons that golf teaches. (Be truthful about your score is one of the lessons.)
Golf has been one of the activities I enjoy with my sons and sons-in-law. It is part of our family legacy. It has also become a connection with my dad, their grandfather, whom they have never met.
Last month, the golf club that my dad was part of became a client of one of my son and son-in-law’s golf business. “Hey dad, guess where one of our new client is located….grand dad’s club.”
I think it’s pretty cool. I also know that is part of me telling my parents (dad’s) legacy. It is part of our story.
Tell your stories.
Don’t assume your children can read your mind. Tell them what you think, believe and value.
If you are in a relationship you have played the dinner guessing game. You know these lines: “Where do you want to go to dinner? “I don’t care, you decide.” “Let’s go Italian.” “No, I don’t want to go there.” “Well, where would you like to go?” “It doesn’t matter, you decide.” And around and around we go.
Have a conversation. Don’t play the guessing game. No one can read your mind.
Leave your legacy.
Every parent wants their children to be brave. To have courage. It is one of the character qualities you want to leave as a legacy.
When our children were smaller I bought an electric train set and I would bring it out during Christmas. When our first grandson was born I looked forward to the day that he would enjoy the train with me.
Each Christmas I had hopes of enjoying the train with my grandson and every time…. he would cry or run away from the train. Maybe next year.
One year I setup the train track in a circle and I sat in the middle watching the red engine go around and around. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my grandson approaching the train and I began to think that this would be the year we bonded over the train. As he got closer our short haired dachshund started barking and scared my grandson.
He ran into his mother’s arms crying, my wife put the dog outside and I’m thinking … maybe next year.
As I am sitting in the middle of the track with the red engine still going around and around my grandson begins to walk over toward the train again. We are eye level since I am sitting on the floor.
He has big blue eyes with alligator tears streaming down both sides of his pale white cheeks. His lips are still quivering from crying and he walks right over to me.
He says, “Papa, I’m brave now.” “Papa! Papa! I’m brave now”. Then after looking at the train for 30 seconds he ran off to play with other toys. He had conquered the train.
But, I’m still sitting by myself in the middle of the train track. And then I hear a voice deep within my soul, “What about you? Are you brave? Do you have courage?”
That’s one of favorite stories in our family. I hope every time one of us sees a train we are reminded to be brave and to have courage.
Leave your legacy.
Do you find it difficult to have your parents talk about topics other than weather, politics or sports?
Here are a few suggestions. First change the setting. Go outside, take a walk, go to a part of the home that doesn’t have a television in it.
Second, tell them a story that means something to you growing up and ask them their opinion. Ask questions that explores what else might have been happening during that event. Who else was there? How did you feel when I….? How did we overcome that as a family?
Be intentional. Prompt. Listen. Remember the goal is to get them talking.
Tell stories. Help your parents leave their legacy.
Keith Albert 