Don’t assume your children can read your mind. Tell them what you think, believe and value.
If you are in a relationship you have played the dinner guessing game. You know these lines: “Where do you want to go to dinner? “I don’t care, you decide.” “Let’s go Italian.” “No, I don’t want to go there.” “Well, where would you like to go?” “It doesn’t matter, you decide.” And around and around we go.
Have a conversation. Don’t play the guessing game. No one can read your mind.
Leave your legacy.
Telling a story needs to be practiced. Shorter is better than long.
When the story is from your life or family it will be more effective.
Wait for an opportunity, respond to conversation, instead of saying, “Hey, wait till you hear this.” Be patient.
I often drive at least 30 minutes one way to my office. Often I turn off my music or podcast to practice a story out loud. The people in other cars think I am on the phone, but really, I am practicing the timing of saying, “Papa, I’m brave now.”
Tell a story today.
Have you ever written down the character qualities you want to pass on as a legacy to your children and grandchildren? I encourage you to make a list. Start small with five to ten values.
Yesterday, I shared one of my character qualities that I am trying to pass on … to have courage.
You are competing with an unending stream of information and distractions to pass on your values. If you wrap the character quality in a family story, and tell it often, it will be remembered. That’s why I keep pulling out the train set about this time every year. “Papa, I’m brave now!”
As many kids and adults make lists that often get checked twice this time of year, make your own list. Write it down and find the story that will pass your legacy on to the next generation.
Do you find it difficult to have your parents talk about topics other than weather, politics or sports?
Here are a few suggestions. First change the setting. Go outside, take a walk, go to a part of the home that doesn’t have a television in it.
Second, tell them a story that means something to you growing up and ask them their opinion. Ask questions that explores what else might have been happening during that event. Who else was there? How did you feel when I….? How did we overcome that as a family?
Be intentional. Prompt. Listen. Remember the goal is to get them talking.
Tell stories. Help your parents leave their legacy.
Yesterday, one of my grandsons came over for the afternoon. We played a few games and then he asked if we could go fishing.
We picked up our gear, simple cane poles and bread, and walked a few blocks to a quiet fishing spot.
I had forgotten that one of my goals for the day was to tell a family story to someone. When one of the cane poles snapped in half, yes caused by a fish, I remembered a story.
The story was how his mom caught the biggest bass every caught by our family with a loud, broken rod and reel when she was a child. Over the course of the next 15 minutes I talked about a truth behind the story. Don’t complain about what you have…just use what you have…and do what you can. I hope the lesson is remembered for more than fishing. That idea is part of our family legacy.
A note. Sometimes a story is strengthened when other memorable things happen.
During the broken pole adventure, I looked at my grandson’s leg and asked, “What’s that on your leg?” He says, “It’s dirt.” I say, “Wipe it off.” He then wipes it off. I say, “Smell your hands.” He slowly brings his hand to his face and has a horrified look. I say, “Is it poop?” He says, “Yes it is.”
I am going to leave the rest of the conversation to your imagination, but as we walked back home, we practiced how we were going to tell the story to the rest of the family. When all the family gathered for dinner…. the story was epic!
Leave your legacy to the next generation.
My dad was a veteran of the US Army. I never remember him talking about WWII, but when I helped my mom downsize I found boxes of photographs of his life in the war.
He was a master sergeant and in charge of the logistics for his group. They traveled through Europe tracking and shooting down buzz bombs. He photographed every city and country they were stationed.
There were newspaper clippings from his home town in the boxes. My dad was one of four brothers. One of the articles stated that all four son’s of his mom, my grandmother, were serving overseas. The article spoke of my grandmother’s sacrifice, and it also mentioned that all of her daughter-in-laws lived with her while their husbands served.
60 years later my oldest daughter found the house they lived in and took pictures of it. It was for sale and there was a property description attached to a sign in the yard. It also had a red door. Imagine the conversations of a mom waiting for her sons and wives waiting for their husbands that took place behind that red door.
That is part of my legacy. The sacrifices of war for those who waited behind. All four sons returned safely back home. Today we thank and honor our veterans who served our country. Tell their stories of sacrifice.
Your children may have different experiences with their grandparents. Some of the experiences may be fun and some more difficult.
My mom is known by my children in different ways. My older girls remember her playing with bows, bracelets and necklaces. Mom was younger and they remember her in more playful ways.
My youngest son remembers my mom as the grandmother with dementia who shared a bathroom with him. Let’s just say those stories are best kept private.
But it doesn’t matter. All of these stories can be crafted into a realistic legacy that is passed along. Someone once said there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. That’s life.
Sometimes I have fun with my younger son by saying, “one day you will be old and standing “naked” in the doorway in front of your adult children. We all laugh and the burden is lessened because we share it together. Tell your stories.
After discovering my mom’s dementia and Alzheimer’s, my wife and I moved her into our home. It took a couple of months to downsize her belongings.
The closet on her porch was the last place I cleaned out. Buried on the floor, surrounded by gardening tools, were four large brown cardboard boxes full of newspaper clippings. I had never seen them.
The clippings and photos were mostly from the 1930’s through the 1950’s. Dating, WWII (extensive), civic clubs, family, banking, there was even a picture that looked like the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
I was stunned. No one ever shared these stories….at least to me.
There are several reasons for this blog. I’m still working on the ultimate clarifying theme, but here is what I’m thinking.
I want to write as many stories as I can so that my children and grandchildren know what mattered to me. And I want them to pass these stories (the good ones) to the next generation. I want to leave an intentional legacy that is not left in cardboard boxes or with the thousands of social media pictures that will be deleted when the storage is full.
I want to help you ….. yes you… the reader of this blog…. to have a healthy relationship with your children or your parents. It’s hard. You will need to be intentional. You may need to reconnect. You will need to listen and learn and love and show grace and forgive.
I want to help you leave a good legacy. I want it to be remembered for the next generation. Don’t be silent. Don’t hide your legacy. Tell it!
And I want to help you tell your parents legacy!
This is a parenting tip. Your aroma speaks louder than your words. Your aroma is the tone, expressions, behaviors and attitudes that reflect who you are. They are caught, not taught.
When children are younger they copy. All you have to do is say a bad word and they will repeat it (in front of their teacher) when you least expect it.
Parenting teenagers is tough. However, if the aroma doesn’t match the words, it will be tougher.
Joy, laughter, kindness, fun, grace, forgiveness, value and respect are better tones than being critical, judgmental and harsh. Whatever the tone of your home is … it will fill every room.
There is a power when the words and aroma match. Whether good or bad, your children will become just like you.
Our backyard has nine bougainvillea bushes and vines. Red, yellow and purple blossoms completely cover our fence line. They are beautiful.
For years my kids hated these vines. Sharp thorns scratched their hands and arms when wayward balls and frisbees were swallowed by the bushes. But they have accepted the fact that these thorny blossoms are part of my story.
I have traveled through Central and South America. In every remote, dry and dusty village, even though there are no signs of any foliage, we would often see bougainvilleas. They were resilient. Growing in places where nothing else would grow.
Part of the legacy I want to leave to my children and grandchildren is for them to have resilience. And every time they see a bougainvillea, I hope they think of dad and think of being resilient.
Keith Albert 