Hard Decisions

When we discovered that my mom had Dementia / Alzheimer’s, I knew that she should no longer be allowed to drive. It is a safety factor. It will also be an inconvenience factor for me. My mom’s car was an older car and I immediately disconnected some wires under the hood. The next day she called me and said her car would not start. I went over and said I would take it to a mechanic and then removed the car from the parking lot. She didn’t ask how I moved it.

A week later I went over to her place and told the bad news that her car would cost too much to repair. The hard part of this decision was not ”killing mom’s car”, but the cost for me to become an occasional taxi or dispatcher of local transportation.

Parenting your parents requires hard decisions.

A Lie – “You don’t have anything helpful to say.”

Have you ever heard the lie, “You don’t have anything helpful to say.” Or the lie that says, “You are an impostor, you have made too many mistakes so why would anyone listen to you.

I hear these things all the time. They are lies. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also have learned valued lessons. And it seems like the best stories I have to share are the ones where I have either made a big mistake or everything has gone wrong.

Like last night. I was driving to speak to a small group of guys and I ran over a pallet on the highway, my oil light comes on and when I stop for gas and check the tires the starter barely cranks the engine. I arrive and all I’m thinking is how I forgot to complete two tasks and I did not notify someone of a new procedure. The lie, “Why are you even here, they don’t want to hear what you have to say, you are a mess.”

I spoke to the group and then I told a family story at the end of the meeting. I told how I had personally matured by carrying for my older parent. The story spoke. It meant something to the group.

Despite the day, and the lies I heard in my head, I had something to say. And so do you.

“You Must Be Present To Win”

‘You must be present to win’ is a statement seen at the bottom of many raffle tickets. Most of these are simply a donation to a neighborhood kid who is raising money for his or her school; we don’t even think about actually being present at the drawing. But if the prize is valuable, a new car for example, we will do all we can to be present.

I went to Morris Brandon Elementary School in Atlanta, Georgia. When I was in the second grade I tripped and hit my head on a rock at recess. I was taken to the front office with a temporary bandage until one of my parents could take me to the doctor for a few stiches. And there I sat quietly, waiting for what seemed like eternity. And then I heard footsteps. Next, I saw the black polished shoes, the dark grey charcoal suit…buttoned. A handkerchief decorated the pocket and a grey felt Fedora hat was in hand. All bankers in Atlanta dressed this way. My Father opened the door to the office and took hold of me, and for the first time that day I cried. One of the secretaries said, “Why is he crying now after all that?”

I was crying because I was in the presence of my father, and at that moment I valued his presence more than anything else. Mom’s and daughters, Dad’s and sons….relationships always need cultivating, regardless of your age. “You must be present to win.”

Do Something Today

There is never a day off from being a storyteller. Over time it becomes a part of who we are to encourage and influence the next generation. Speak up today. In the last 24 hours my wife and I have spoken into, friends, peers, grandkids, children and complete strangers. Tell your story and influence the generations.

This is short because I needed to write something today. What do you need to do today?

Great Conversation

Last night a friend of mine had a birthday dinner with a few of his friends. On a crowded veranda we told generational stories for 3 hours.

These are the stories: Stories of personal value that are shared with one another, Stories of encouragement from generational experiences regarding life and priorities, And questions that seek wisdom from friends who will speak into their lives.

Regardless of our stage in life, we either have questions to ask or life experiences to share. Let’s talk.

Full Circle

I have learned a few things about parenting over the last 38 years. 

I use a warmed and soft cloth to bathe skin.  This prevents a chill.  I touch a spoonful of applesauce against closed lips that refuse to eat.  They open for a few bites once the sweet taste relaxes clenched jaws.  I smile and speak calmly when a temper tantrum erupts.  A soft voice helps lessen the anger.  I say sip and swallow when I give medicine.  Dissolved pills on a tongue are unpleasant.  I pull the covers up at night and look into a sleepy and confused face.  I bend down and kiss a forehead as I say, “Goodnight Mom, I’ll see you in the morning.”

As I left the hospital that drizzly night, I was still learning how to parent.  I was learning to parent my mom.  However, though even though I was learning to parent in a new way, what was really changing was my character.  I was the one who was changing, I was becoming a better son.

The Second Shadow

During todays early morning walk the sky was clear and the moon was bright. When you walk with the moon above there is a shadow that follows. Since I walk around the neighborhood the shadow moves with me. As I walked around one corner, suddenly a second shadow appeared. Fear gripped me and I jumped. “AAAAHHHH!” And then with a quick turn, I said to myself, “it’s just a shadow.”

For five seconds I was afraid of something that did not exist….someone was following me. In our relationships, especially with our aging parents, we can be afraid of things, or believe things that don’t exist. We think, they don’t really want to talk or there are subjects we should not talk about. Most of the time you just need to prime the pump. Tell them a fond memory you have. Ask questions that are open ended. Tell me how…..? What was it like to….? You may think that they don’t want to talk, but it’s only a second shadow.

Listen and Learn

When I discovered that my mom had dementia – Alzheimer’s disease our family prepared for the transition to bring her into our home. She lived with us for almost two years.

One day Mom said to me, “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” Tears began to fall and she repeated slower than the first time, “Something is wrong…… and….. I just don’t know what it is.”

Our family had already been working through the logistics, plans, doctors visits, and bathroom remodel …. but those words helped me to slow down and listen to her. I became more aware and sensitive to what she was going through. I began to see mom as a person and not a project. Our relationship began to grow. I began to listen and learn.

Transition Guide

Most of our parenting challenges happened in a transition. Getting into the car. Getting out of the car. Time for school, dinner, bed, etc. You get the point. We have four children and one day I recognized that most of our arguments and tension came when we were transitioning from one thing to another.

When you get older, if your parents are still alive, you will begin to parent your parents. How well you parent them will be a direct result of how well you prepare for many transitions (stages) of decline. If you ignore the transition you will have arguments and disaster, but if you intentionally get in front of the transition you will have a better experience. It will still be hard, but the transition will be smoother.

In large events there is often a countdown clock. The clock lets you know when everything begins. (A bell timer often helped when our children were small.) But here’s the point. Whether there is a clock, a bell, or someone with a loud speaker, there was an intentional effort to prepare someone for the show.

A Pet Porcupine

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom’s passing. Each year I am more grateful for her life and the sacrifices she made for me while I was younger. However, she was like a pet porcupine walking around the edges of your roof. You love her and know you need to catch her if she jumps, but you also know that it will cost you.

You know these people. They are your friends and family. Learn from them. These stories will teach you who you are, how to grow, and how to be more grateful. Loving someone involves sacrifice.