Tag: dementia

Mug or Cup?

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Do you want a cup or a mug?

That was the question I often heard when ‘company’ came to our home. That’s another name for friends or family. When company came over the carpet was vacuumed with those triangle designs and coffee was made.

We just put out our Christmas mugs, but I like to reach in the back of the cabinet for a cup. I think they hold the heat better, but there may be another reason I like them.

This morning I used the first cup of the season. As I held it for one last sip, there was no coffee left, but there were the few drops swishing around the bottom. That’s when I thought of my mom.

Growing up, every time I saw a coffee cup it had those few drops at the bottom and there was red lipstick slightly smeared on the edge of the cup. Mom’s trademark.

Your kids or grandkids know your habits and the marks you leave. Make good marks. Have good habits. Tell good stories. Do new things. Still pursue dreams.

You are leaving a legacy a few drops at a time.

Wearing a Tie

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On most days I wear dark jeans and a button down shirt that is untucked. That’s my style. I’m not trying to dress young, but I am trying hard to not dress old.

At my desk at home, a converted closet, I have one picture with my mom and one picture with my dad.

In both of the pictures I am wearing a tie. I’ve never noticed that until today. The one with my dad was taken when I was 8 at a photo booth in an airport. Four small pictures on top of each other.

The photo with my mom was taken 20 years ago, outside by purple bougainvilleas.

You will probably have to get married or die for me to wear a tie, though anniversary dinners are included.

And each time I wear a tie I am reminded that I like it, not because it is right or wrong but it is part of our story.

“Honey, put on your redress, we’re going out tonight!”

Leaving your legacy for the next generation.

Thankful

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We have been designed for community and relationships. When we gather with friends and family, under the banner of thanksgiving, those bonds are strengthened.

I look forward to one of those gatherings today.

Being thankful is best served every day.

Be thankful today. Be thankful tomorrow. Be thankful the next day.

Leave a legacy of thankfulness.

Golf Club Membership

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Golf is part of my dad’s legacy. He worked for a large bank and received a golf club membership as one of the perks. It is a famous club that hosted a US Open.

On Saturday morning he would play with a group of bankers. When he came home he would teach me how to play golf in our yard. That is when I began to love the game and learn valuable life lessons that golf teaches. (Be truthful about your score is one of the lessons.)

Golf has been one of the activities I enjoy with my sons and sons-in-law. It is part of our family legacy. It has also become a connection with my dad, their grandfather, whom they have never met.

Last month, the golf club that my dad was part of became a client of one of my son and son-in-law’s golf business. “Hey dad, guess where one of our new client is located….grand dad’s club.”

I think it’s pretty cool. I also know that is part of me telling my parents (dad’s) legacy. It is part of our story.

Tell your stories.

Not Alone

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Do you ever feel alone? We all do.

When I think that I am the only one facing a problem, and then I tell someone what I am going through, often they say, “me too ….” And then my problem doesn’t seem as difficult. Someone else knows and shares the weight.

Tell your parents a challenge or problem you are facing. There’s a good chance they have experienced something similar. It is a good way to start a conversation.

Tell your stories. Leave a legacy.

The Dinner Game

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Don’t assume your children can read your mind. Tell them what you think, believe and value.

If you are in a relationship you have played the dinner guessing game. You know these lines: “Where do you want to go to dinner? “I don’t care, you decide.” “Let’s go Italian.” “No, I don’t want to go there.” “Well, where would you like to go?” “It doesn’t matter, you decide.” And around and around we go.

Have a conversation. Don’t play the guessing game. No one can read your mind.

Leave your legacy.

Practice Telling a Story

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Telling a story needs to be practiced. Shorter is better than long.

When the story is from your life or family it will be more effective.

Wait for an opportunity, respond to conversation, instead of saying, “Hey, wait till you hear this.” Be patient.

I often drive at least 30 minutes one way to my office. Often I turn off my music or podcast to practice a story out loud. The people in other cars think I am on the phone, but really, I am practicing the timing of saying, “Papa, I’m brave now.”

Tell a story today.

Make a List

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Have you ever written down the character qualities you want to pass on as a legacy to your children and grandchildren? I encourage you to make a list. Start small with five to ten values.

Yesterday, I shared one of my character qualities that I am trying to pass on … to have courage.

You are competing with an unending stream of information and distractions to pass on your values. If you wrap the character quality in a family story, and tell it often, it will be remembered. That’s why I keep pulling out the train set about this time every year. “Papa, I’m brave now!”

As many kids and adults make lists that often get checked twice this time of year, make your own list. Write it down and find the story that will pass your legacy on to the next generation.

Papa, I’m Brave Now

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Every parent wants their children to be brave. To have courage. It is one of the character qualities you want to leave as a legacy.

When our children were smaller I bought an electric train set and I would bring it out during Christmas. When our first grandson was born I looked forward to the day that he would enjoy the train with me.

Each Christmas I had hopes of enjoying the train with my grandson and every time…. he would cry or run away from the train. Maybe next year.

One year I setup the train track in a circle and I sat in the middle watching the red engine go around and around. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my grandson approaching the train and I began to think that this would be the year we bonded over the train. As he got closer our short haired dachshund started barking and scared my grandson.

He ran into his mother’s arms crying, my wife put the dog outside and I’m thinking … maybe next year.

As I am sitting in the middle of the track with the red engine still going around and around my grandson begins to walk over toward the train again. We are eye level since I am sitting on the floor.

He has big blue eyes with alligator tears streaming down both sides of his pale white cheeks. His lips are still quivering from crying and he walks right over to me.

He says, “Papa, I’m brave now.” “Papa! Papa! I’m brave now”. Then after looking at the train for 30 seconds he ran off to play with other toys. He had conquered the train.

But, I’m still sitting by myself in the middle of the train track. And then I hear a voice deep within my soul, “What about you? Are you brave? Do you have courage?”

That’s one of favorite stories in our family. I hope every time one of us sees a train we are reminded to be brave and to have courage.

Leave your legacy.

Change the Setting

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Do you find it difficult to have your parents talk about topics other than weather, politics or sports?

Here are a few suggestions. First change the setting. Go outside, take a walk, go to a part of the home that doesn’t have a television in it.

Second, tell them a story that means something to you growing up and ask them their opinion. Ask questions that explores what else might have been happening during that event. Who else was there? How did you feel when I….? How did we overcome that as a family?

Be intentional. Prompt. Listen. Remember the goal is to get them talking.

Tell stories. Help your parents leave their legacy.