Tag: Parenting Parents

A Legacy Story from a Check Registry

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Daily oversight of my mom’s affairs was required when I discovered she had Dementia / Alzheimer’s. She transitioned first to my home, then assisted living and then memory care. Each time she moved fewer boxes of her belongings were making the trip.

As I was going through a box of her financial records, I discovered old check registries. (Before online banking and apps, most people recorded their checks in a check registry….look it up.)

The registries from the 60’s gave a unique history about the cost of living and how my family spent money. But, the registries from the mid 70’s were sobering. Several of the notes had my name on them.

Uniforms, gas, and cash were some of the entries that she recorded. It was a powerful reminder of how I was provided for as a teenager. Since my dad had passed away, mom carried the load.

As I read through those entries, the challenges and hassles I faced in caring for mom were lessened. The legacy stories were told by check registries. Mom really did do her best to care for me.

As you parent your parents, learn the stories that leave a legacy.

Still a Child at Heart

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Last night I watched children walking around our neighborhood collecting candy from a few neighbors, but mostly strangers. What was so interesting is that most of the adults were more dressed up in costumes than their children.

I also watched a football game, my team lost. I also watched a baseball game. When I looked at the score this morning my team lost.

Aren’t we all just little kids at heart, just watching and playing games in the street?

So are your parents and grandparents. They are still kids at heart too. Play some games, have some fun… eat some chocolate.

Communication Styles

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My best conversations with my sons have been when we are shoulder to shoulder. We are driving in a car, playing a sport, watching a game or working on a project. They talk more when we are already doing something.

It is different with my daughters. Our best conversations are face to face when we are at breakfast or sitting together with a cup of coffee.

Your dad probably wants you to do something with him shoulder to shoulder and your mom wants a direct conversation.

If you want to communicate better, consider adjusting your style. Regardless, keep having conversations.

Lessons from a Diner

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I am having breakfast at a diner.

The first thing I notice is that everybody knows not only the name of the waitress but also each other. Many conversations take place across tables.

We all want to be known. Even those who are quiet like to be given the value of being noticed. I have also been welcomed …hey honey…is that all honey.

Today, my goal is to say the name of everyone I see. No more … hey man … or how it is going … or is that all honey … I am going to say their name.

Hard Decisions

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When we discovered that my mom had Dementia / Alzheimer’s, I knew that she should no longer be allowed to drive. It is a safety factor. It will also be an inconvenience factor for me. My mom’s car was an older car and I immediately disconnected some wires under the hood. The next day she called me and said her car would not start. I went over and said I would take it to a mechanic and then removed the car from the parking lot. She didn’t ask how I moved it.

A week later I went over to her place and told the bad news that her car would cost too much to repair. The hard part of this decision was not ”killing mom’s car”, but the cost for me to become an occasional taxi or dispatcher of local transportation.

Parenting your parents requires hard decisions.

“You Must Be Present To Win”

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‘You must be present to win’ is a statement seen at the bottom of many raffle tickets. Most of these are simply a donation to a neighborhood kid who is raising money for his or her school; we don’t even think about actually being present at the drawing. But if the prize is valuable, a new car for example, we will do all we can to be present.

I went to Morris Brandon Elementary School in Atlanta, Georgia. When I was in the second grade I tripped and hit my head on a rock at recess. I was taken to the front office with a temporary bandage until one of my parents could take me to the doctor for a few stiches. And there I sat quietly, waiting for what seemed like eternity. And then I heard footsteps. Next, I saw the black polished shoes, the dark grey charcoal suit…buttoned. A handkerchief decorated the pocket and a grey felt Fedora hat was in hand. All bankers in Atlanta dressed this way. My Father opened the door to the office and took hold of me, and for the first time that day I cried. One of the secretaries said, “Why is he crying now after all that?”

I was crying because I was in the presence of my father, and at that moment I valued his presence more than anything else. Mom’s and daughters, Dad’s and sons….relationships always need cultivating, regardless of your age. “You must be present to win.”

Full Circle

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I have learned a few things about parenting over the last 38 years. 

I use a warmed and soft cloth to bathe skin.  This prevents a chill.  I touch a spoonful of applesauce against closed lips that refuse to eat.  They open for a few bites once the sweet taste relaxes clenched jaws.  I smile and speak calmly when a temper tantrum erupts.  A soft voice helps lessen the anger.  I say sip and swallow when I give medicine.  Dissolved pills on a tongue are unpleasant.  I pull the covers up at night and look into a sleepy and confused face.  I bend down and kiss a forehead as I say, “Goodnight Mom, I’ll see you in the morning.”

As I left the hospital that drizzly night, I was still learning how to parent.  I was learning to parent my mom.  However, though even though I was learning to parent in a new way, what was really changing was my character.  I was the one who was changing, I was becoming a better son.

The Second Shadow

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During todays early morning walk the sky was clear and the moon was bright. When you walk with the moon above there is a shadow that follows. Since I walk around the neighborhood the shadow moves with me. As I walked around one corner, suddenly a second shadow appeared. Fear gripped me and I jumped. “AAAAHHHH!” And then with a quick turn, I said to myself, “it’s just a shadow.”

For five seconds I was afraid of something that did not exist….someone was following me. In our relationships, especially with our aging parents, we can be afraid of things, or believe things that don’t exist. We think, they don’t really want to talk or there are subjects we should not talk about. Most of the time you just need to prime the pump. Tell them a fond memory you have. Ask questions that are open ended. Tell me how…..? What was it like to….? You may think that they don’t want to talk, but it’s only a second shadow.

Listen and Learn

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When I discovered that my mom had dementia – Alzheimer’s disease our family prepared for the transition to bring her into our home. She lived with us for almost two years.

One day Mom said to me, “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” Tears began to fall and she repeated slower than the first time, “Something is wrong…… and….. I just don’t know what it is.”

Our family had already been working through the logistics, plans, doctors visits, and bathroom remodel …. but those words helped me to slow down and listen to her. I became more aware and sensitive to what she was going through. I began to see mom as a person and not a project. Our relationship began to grow. I began to listen and learn.