Resilience

Our backyard has nine bougainvillea bushes and vines. Red, yellow and purple blossoms completely cover our fence line. They are beautiful.

For years my kids hated these vines. Sharp thorns scratched their hands and arms when wayward balls and frisbees were swallowed by the bushes. But they have accepted the fact that these thorny blossoms are part of my story.

I have traveled through Central and South America. In every remote, dry and dusty village, even though there are no signs of any foliage, we would often see bougainvilleas. They were resilient. Growing in places where nothing else would grow.

Part of the legacy I want to leave to my children and grandchildren is for them to have resilience. And every time they see a bougainvillea, I hope they think of dad and think of being resilient.

The Tangerine Tree

One of my sons planted a tangerine tree in the backyard. He carefully planted, weekly weeded and fertilized regularly.

He did this for months, then years and still no tangerines. We were all wondering why the tree was not producing fruit.

A friend of mine stopped by and looked at the tree. He said, “ Oh, that tree will never produce fruit…..it is not a fruit bearing tree.” I’m thinking why is it even called a tangerine tree.

When my son came home later in the day I tell him the bad news. He walks to the garage, raises the door, grabs the axe and in one blow destroys the fruitless tree. He drags the tree to the street, closes the garage, washes his hands and then goes to do homework.

It was so frustrating. The tree was expected to grow.

That simple story is one that I often tell. It is one of our family legacy stories. It will be passed down to his children one day. And like that tree we are expected to grow; mentally, physically, spiritually, and in relationships.

Encouraging Words

I was a young teenager running down the stairs of my home. My grandmother sat on her rocker and my dad was stretched out on the sofa. He was exhausted from chemotherapy and they were watching the Lawrence Welk Show.

As made it to the bottom of the steps I heard my dad tell my grandmother as I ran outside to play, “He’s a good kid.” I’m sure there were other conversations with my dad, but those are the last words I remember.

Those words were a gift that not everyone receives, but those words are a gift that everyone can give. Maybe the words that your parents or children hear today are the words that they will remember. Encourage them.

Communication Styles

My best conversations with my sons have been when we are shoulder to shoulder. We are driving in a car, playing a sport, watching a game or working on a project. They talk more when we are already doing something.

It is different with my daughters. Our best conversations are face to face when we are at breakfast or sitting together with a cup of coffee.

Your dad probably wants you to do something with him shoulder to shoulder and your mom wants a direct conversation.

If you want to communicate better, consider adjusting your style. Regardless, keep having conversations.

Discover Stories

A friend of mine has never told his kids about their great grandparents who started churches throughout a small country. These would be amazing stories!

We all have stories that are unknown or untold. Some of these are inspiring while others are just sad. But they are our stories.

Find them, search for them and craft them to leave a lasting impression for the next generation. We get to edit them.

The sacrifices that brought success will be explained and the sad experiences will teach about hardship and pain.

You will be passing on a great legacy … which is part of your legacy.

Lessons from a Diner

I am having breakfast at a diner.

The first thing I notice is that everybody knows not only the name of the waitress but also each other. Many conversations take place across tables.

We all want to be known. Even those who are quiet like to be given the value of being noticed. I have also been welcomed …hey honey…is that all honey.

Today, my goal is to say the name of everyone I see. No more … hey man … or how it is going … or is that all honey … I am going to say their name.

“You Must Be Present To Win”

‘You must be present to win’ is a statement seen at the bottom of many raffle tickets. Most of these are simply a donation to a neighborhood kid who is raising money for his or her school; we don’t even think about actually being present at the drawing. But if the prize is valuable, a new car for example, we will do all we can to be present.

I went to Morris Brandon Elementary School in Atlanta, Georgia. When I was in the second grade I tripped and hit my head on a rock at recess. I was taken to the front office with a temporary bandage until one of my parents could take me to the doctor for a few stiches. And there I sat quietly, waiting for what seemed like eternity. And then I heard footsteps. Next, I saw the black polished shoes, the dark grey charcoal suit…buttoned. A handkerchief decorated the pocket and a grey felt Fedora hat was in hand. All bankers in Atlanta dressed this way. My Father opened the door to the office and took hold of me, and for the first time that day I cried. One of the secretaries said, “Why is he crying now after all that?”

I was crying because I was in the presence of my father, and at that moment I valued his presence more than anything else. Mom’s and daughters, Dad’s and sons….relationships always need cultivating, regardless of your age. “You must be present to win.”

The Second Shadow

During todays early morning walk the sky was clear and the moon was bright. When you walk with the moon above there is a shadow that follows. Since I walk around the neighborhood the shadow moves with me. As I walked around one corner, suddenly a second shadow appeared. Fear gripped me and I jumped. “AAAAHHHH!” And then with a quick turn, I said to myself, “it’s just a shadow.”

For five seconds I was afraid of something that did not exist….someone was following me. In our relationships, especially with our aging parents, we can be afraid of things, or believe things that don’t exist. We think, they don’t really want to talk or there are subjects we should not talk about. Most of the time you just need to prime the pump. Tell them a fond memory you have. Ask questions that are open ended. Tell me how…..? What was it like to….? You may think that they don’t want to talk, but it’s only a second shadow.

Listen and Learn

When I discovered that my mom had dementia – Alzheimer’s disease our family prepared for the transition to bring her into our home. She lived with us for almost two years.

One day Mom said to me, “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” Tears began to fall and she repeated slower than the first time, “Something is wrong…… and….. I just don’t know what it is.”

Our family had already been working through the logistics, plans, doctors visits, and bathroom remodel …. but those words helped me to slow down and listen to her. I became more aware and sensitive to what she was going through. I began to see mom as a person and not a project. Our relationship began to grow. I began to listen and learn.