Last night a friend of mine had a birthday dinner with a few of his friends. On a crowded veranda we told generational stories for 3 hours.
These are the stories: Stories of personal value that are shared with one another, Stories of encouragement from generational experiences regarding life and priorities, And questions that seek wisdom from friends who will speak into their lives.
Regardless of our stage in life, we either have questions to ask or life experiences to share. Let’s talk.
I have learned a few things about parenting over the last 38 years.
I use a warmed and soft cloth to bathe skin. This prevents a chill. I touch a spoonful of applesauce against closed lips that refuse to eat. They open for a few bites once the sweet taste relaxes clenched jaws. I smile and speak calmly when a temper tantrum erupts. A soft voice helps lessen the anger. I say sip and swallow when I give medicine. Dissolved pills on a tongue are unpleasant. I pull the covers up at night and look into a sleepy and confused face. I bend down and kiss a forehead as I say, “Goodnight Mom, I’ll see you in the morning.”
As I left the hospital that drizzly night, I was still learning how to parent. I was learning to parent my mom. However, though even though I was learning to parent in a new way, what was really changing was my character. I was the one who was changing, I was becoming a better son.
During todays early morning walk the sky was clear and the moon was bright. When you walk with the moon above there is a shadow that follows. Since I walk around the neighborhood the shadow moves with me. As I walked around one corner, suddenly a second shadow appeared. Fear gripped me and I jumped. “AAAAHHHH!” And then with a quick turn, I said to myself, “it’s just a shadow.”
For five seconds I was afraid of something that did not exist….someone was following me. In our relationships, especially with our aging parents, we can be afraid of things, or believe things that don’t exist. We think, they don’t really want to talk or there are subjects we should not talk about. Most of the time you just need to prime the pump. Tell them a fond memory you have. Ask questions that are open ended. Tell me how…..? What was it like to….? You may think that they don’t want to talk, but it’s only a second shadow.
When I discovered that my mom had dementia – Alzheimer’s disease our family prepared for the transition to bring her into our home. She lived with us for almost two years.
One day Mom said to me, “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” Tears began to fall and she repeated slower than the first time, “Something is wrong…… and….. I just don’t know what it is.”
Our family had already been working through the logistics, plans, doctors visits, and bathroom remodel …. but those words helped me to slow down and listen to her. I became more aware and sensitive to what she was going through. I began to see mom as a person and not a project. Our relationship began to grow. I began to listen and learn.
Most of our parenting challenges happened in a transition. Getting into the car. Getting out of the car. Time for school, dinner, bed, etc. You get the point. We have four children and one day I recognized that most of our arguments and tension came when we were transitioning from one thing to another.
When you get older, if your parents are still alive, you will begin to parent your parents. How well you parent them will be a direct result of how well you prepare for many transitions (stages) of decline. If you ignore the transition you will have arguments and disaster, but if you intentionally get in front of the transition you will have a better experience. It will still be hard, but the transition will be smoother.
In large events there is often a countdown clock. The clock lets you know when everything begins. (A bell timer often helped when our children were small.) But here’s the point. Whether there is a clock, a bell, or someone with a loud speaker, there was an intentional effort to prepare someone for the show.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom’s passing. Each year I am more grateful for her life and the sacrifices she made for me while I was younger. However, she was like a pet porcupine walking around the edges of your roof. You love her and know you need to catch her if she jumps, but you also know that it will cost you.
You know these people. They are your friends and family. Learn from them. These stories will teach you who you are, how to grow, and how to be more grateful. Loving someone involves sacrifice.
As a parent, you need to tell your children stories. Tell stories to intentionally leave an impression, a visual picture of something good you want them to know and apply to their life. This includes successes and failures. Many of them will be shared experiences. These stories teach, but they also help us connect with our children.
25 years ago our family was fishing on a small pond. One of my children picked up the worst fishing pole to fish. As she reeled in the bait the handle made the loudest grinding noise. It was awful. One cast after another the peaceful pond was interrupted with this terrible sound. Then she caught a fish….the biggest bass any of our family had ever caught weighing 9 pounds.
I often tell that story, take what you have and do what you can…any ole pole will do. It is a great story that teaches a great lesson that makes us all think about a great time in our lives.
Some people are as dangerous as rip currents, they pull you down and drag you out to sea. We all have them, even in our families. Last weekend I noticed a sign warning of rip currents at the beach. These powerful currents move water rapidly away from shore. They are dangerous. You can’t fight the current directly. You must relax, let the water take you away from the shore, then swim sideways in order to escape.
What if you approached difficult people the same way? Don’t fight head on, but relax and get your composure (float), then creatively break free and build a relationship.
My mother was in a physical rehab facility recovering from hip surgery. Physically, she was recovering well for one who was 88 years young at the time, but mentally it was hard. She had dementia / Alzheimer’s.
The most difficult part of each day was when the nurses and aides attempted to get mom out of bed in the morning. Most days it was a battle, and on a few days the blood curdling screams can be heard through the corridors.
One day as I arrived in the room a new aide had begun her attempt to get mom up. It was crazy. It is amazing how the brain short circuits with this disease. In twenty seconds it went from bad to worse and the aide was in shock. I quickly and firmly said, “Mom, it’s a beautiful day. Get out of bed. Move your legs over and get up.” Mom moved the covers off, slid her legs over without complaining and the aide helped her out of bed.
The aide looked at me and asked, “How did you do that?” I replied, “It’s all about relationships. You must have a relationship with her or it will not work”
Whether we are parenting our children, influencing our older children or grandchildren, or parenting our parents, it all begins with a relationship. Authority and power can force others to move. Some resist outwardly. Others resist on the inside. It may be years before the resentment is expressed.
It’s amazing. When you take the time to build a relationship, the resistance is minimal and the results are worth it.
‘You must be present to win’ is a statement seen at the bottom of many raffle tickets. Most of these are simply a donation to a neighborhood kid who is raising money for his or her school; we don’t even think about actually being present at the drawing. But if the prize is valuable, a new car for example, we will do all we can to be present.
I went to Morris Brandon Elementary School in Atlanta, Georgia. When I was in the second grade I tripped and hit my head on a rock at recess. I was taken to the front office with a temporary bandage until one of my parents could take me to the doctor for a few stiches. And there I sat quietly, waiting for what seemed like eternity. And then I heard footsteps. Next, I saw the black polished shoes, the dark grey charcoal suit…buttoned. A handkerchief decorated the pocket and a grey felt Fedora hat was in hand. All bankers in Atlanta dressed this way. My Father opened the door to the office and took hold of me, and for the first time that day I cried. One of the secretaries said, “Why is he crying now after all that?”
I was crying because I was in the presence of my father, and at that moment I valued his presence more than anything else. Mom’s and daughters, Dad’s and sons….relationships always need cultivating, regardless of your age. “You must be present to win.”
Keith Albert 